


I see you

by givebackmylifecas



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Angst with a Happy Ending, Dean is a Sweetheart, Depressed Castiel, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, High school destiel, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Jock Dean, M/M, Nerd Castiel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-06
Updated: 2017-06-06
Packaged: 2018-11-09 14:43:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,113
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11106723
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/givebackmylifecas/pseuds/givebackmylifecas
Summary: Castiel is a high school senior, who spends his days by himself, convinced that he is invisible and unimportant - until Dean Winchester attempts to show him otherwise.





	I see you

**Author's Note:**

> Yeah I know, more High School Destiel, I can't help it, this OTP rules my life like some cruel, capricious God.
> 
> Trigger warnings for implied/referenced self-harm and some dark thoughts from Castiel.
> 
> I promise this has a happy ending.

Once you accept that people often forget about you, life gets much easier. Castiel knows this, but it still hurts.

He is always the friend who walks slightly apart from the group, the friend whose opinion is never asked for – even when it’s just about something unimportant such as the evening’s movie choice.

And it’s fine, it really is. It’s been that way all his life.

His parents were always so busy being proud of Michael or worried about Lucifer’s fights and Gabriel’s pranks that it was easy for them to overlook Castiel in all his self-admitted averageness.

He had mostly spent the past summer alone, he had even less people to spend time with now that most of his friends – remnants of Gabriel’s high school friend group – had graduated. Those remaining who, like him, were to become seniors in the new school year gravitated towards a different set of people. People that played football and liked to party, people that didn’t like Castiel.

The only people who ever spoke to Castiel in school forgot about him too and he spent the first few weeks of his senior year, sitting by himself in the cafeteria as people’s eyes slid right past him until he decided that was too pathetic even for him and started having lunch in the unused East stairwell.

His therapist tells him he’ll make friends eventually, but Castiel tries not to put too much stock in her words – she is the one who keeps insisting that there’s nothing wrong with him, but after all he wouldn’t be seeing her if he was normal, would he?

 

But he is fine with how his life is, he really is. Except he’s not.

 

He wishes he had someone to talk to, wishes he could sit, laughing carefree in the cafeteria with a large group of friends. Except, no one really seems to actually see him and who wants to be friends with an invisible boy? 

* * *

 

At the beginning of October something interesting happens. While Castiel is sitting in the East stairwell eating his usual sandwich, he hears someone moving up the stairs towards him and suddenly someone is sitting just a few steps down from him.

It is Dean Winchester, the new kid. Castiel has several classes with him, but they have never spoken. Dean has only been at the school a few weeks and already has loads of friends. Castiel suspects that his leather jacket and undeniable good looks, as well as his almost immediate acceptance to the football team have a lot to do with that.

Castiel looks around to see if anyone else will suddenly be jumping out to ambush him, but when after five minutes of silence, Dean is still just sitting on the steps below him and no one has hit him yet, he decides to speak.

“Um, excuse me?”, he asks quietly. Dean turns to look up at him and Castiel is momentarily stunned – he had never realised just quite how green Dean’s eyes are. “What, um… I mean… Why are you here?”, he chokes out.

Dean still has those intensely green eyes fixed on him and they light up when he offers Castiel a friendly smile.

“I wondered why I never see you in the cafeteria.”, Dean says, still wearing that warm smile.

Castiel frowns. “You wondered… What?”, he asks confused.

“Yeah, I never saw you in the cafeteria so I thought I would look for you in the library and stuff but you weren’t there either. Eventually I just decided to follow you after English.”, Dean says shrugging as if this were normal behaviour. He moves up a step, so that there are only two steps left between him and Castiel.

Castiel just continues to frown, trying to work out Dean’s angle. When he doesn’t say anything Dean’s smile falters.

“I realise that could come across as quite creepy, it’s just that I’ve really wanted to talk to you for a while but I never seem to get the chance to and I guess this has really freaked you out, and I should get going now.”, Dean says, looking embarrassed and getting up to leave.

He makes it halfway down the stairs before Castiel finds his words again.

“D-Dean, wait. You can stay. If you – if you want, that is.”, he stammers and Dean gives him that warm, genuine smile again.

He comes back up the staircase, this time sitting only one step down from Castiel.

As Castiel finishes his lunch, Dean talks to him. He talks about how he finds this town much nicer than many of the others he has lived in, about how he really doesn’t like being an army brat but has to pretend otherwise for his dad, about how his mom makes the world’s best apple pie and about how annoying his younger brother Sammy is. Throughout the whole lunch hour, Castiel says very little, yet it ends up being the most enjoyable one he has had all year.

When the bell rings Dean waves at him, before leaving and Castiel heads to class slightly dazed.

He expects Dean to go home and realise what a mistake it was to even talk to Castiel. What he doesn’t expect is for Dean to already be waiting for him in the stairwell when he goes there to have lunch the next day.

He certainly doesn’t expect Dean to be there again the day after, or the day after that. But for the next six weeks, there Dean is, munching on a turkey sandwich and greeting him with an easy “Hey, Cas.”.

* * *

 

Castiel still doesn’t talk much, content to listen to Dean talking about his life and his family.

Sometimes they will go to the library together, after school and do their homework together. Dean never tells him, but Castiel knows that he has blown off football practice several times to study with him. He finds himself missing Dean, when he isn’t around and wondering what it would be like to be able to hold the other boy’s hand, he tells his therapist who says that those feelings are perfectly natural, but he can't help but worry about what would happen if anyone, especially Dean, were to find out.

To an outsider, it wouldn’t seem like much has changed, but to Castiel everything is different. The world seems a little brighter now that he doesn’t spend his school days being completely ignored and he is happier for longer periods of time than he can ever remember being.

His therapist tells him she is proud, as if it is completely normal for a person to make their first friend at the age of 17.

 

So Castiel is happy. Until he isn’t.

 

He can feel it creeping up on him slowly, the emptiness, the apathy, the sadness. He tells his therapist who frowns and gives him different medication, but it doesn’t seem to help.

 

While Castiel would never say much at lunch anyway, now he is almost mute. He is taken by surprise when Dean doesn’t talk about his family and instead looks at Castiel solemnly.

“Cas, are you alright?”, he asks and Castiel looks up into his concerned, green eyes.

He nods slowly. “Yes, Dean.”

Dean doesn’t look convinced. “Are you sure?”, he asks and again Castiel insists he’s fine. Dean sighs and turns back to his sandwich and a part of Castiel wishes Dean would ask just one more time if he is alright, because this time he might actually tell him the truth.

Tell him that he has suffered from depression since he was 14, that he is in a bad phase at the moment, that his new medication makes his head hurt and that sometimes just to feel something – anything – he takes a pair of scissors to his thighs where no one will see the cuts and slice till he has to stop or risk passing out.

* * *

 

Two days later, Castiel is about a block away from school, when he is suddenly knocked down. He looks up from where he sits in the dirt to see Alastair and Gordon, the school’s resident bullies and stars of the football team, glaring down at him.

He tries to get up, but Alastair slams a foot into his ribs and he sinks to the ground again with a groan. Usually he would try and fight back, but he just can’t find it in himself to even try, whatever pain they inflict can’t be any worse than the pain he inflicts on himself.

“Shut up and listen, Novak.”, Gordon says when Castiel tries to speak, struggling to his feet.

Alastair smirks and kicks Castiel again, and this time his foot connects with his face. Castiel cries out as sharp pain ricochets through his head and he ends up flat on his back. Gordon puts a foot on his chest, pinning him to the ground as Alastair leers at him.

“Here’s the thing Novak.”, Alastair says in his nasally voice. “We need to win the championship this year to get scholarships for college, to do that we need Winchester.”

Gordon scowls at him. “But we’re not going to win, if he’s blowing off practice to spend time with you, you little freak!”

“So here’s the deal, _Castiel_ , you stay away from Winchester, and we won’t permanently disfigure you. Got it?”, Alastair growls at him and Castiel nods frantically, despite the pain radiating from his nose.

“Good.”, Gordon sneers. Alastair hauls Castiel up by his lapels and Gordon punches him until he sees stars. They finally drop him, Alastair giving Castiel a final kick, before the two of them turn and leave, heading towards the school.

Castiel sits stunned for a few minutes, before gingerly getting to his feet. His whole body aches and as he slowly makes his way to his first class, he thinks about Dean.

He always knew it would only be a matter of time before the other boy got sick of him, at least this way he won’t have to deal with the embarrassment and awkwardness of Dean slowly starting to avoid him more and more, before completely ignoring him.

Nevertheless, a part of him is disappointed when he has to avoid the East stairwell and spend his lunch without Dean, after spending the entire morning in the nurse’s office.

He decides his best option is to venture into the cafeteria, at least there are lots of witnesses there should Alastair and Gordon try to attack him again.

He makes his way to the table he used to sit at, in the far corner of the cafeteria, mostly obscured by a brightly painted column.

He unwraps his lunch and carefully begins taking small bites of his sandwich, which is painful at best, due to his injuries.

He is halfway through his lunch when suddenly a hand grips his shoulder. He nearly jumps out of his skin, jolting his ribs painfully. He lets out a sigh of relief, when he sees Dean sit down opposite him, but the relief quickly turns to consternation when he sees Gordon and Alastair glaring at him from their table across the cafeteria.

“Cas, why are you here? I thought we were supposed to have lunch in – Hey, what the fuck happened to your face?”, Dean asks, sounding horrified when he notices the bruising across Castiel’s cheekbones and nose.

Castiel looks down at his sandwich, mumbling something about a lamppost, but Dean grabs his chin between his thumb and forefinger and gently nudges it so that Castiel tilts his head up.

He is startled by just how close Dean is when he sees his green eyes only a few inches away from him.

“Cas, tell me what happened.”, Dean demands, softly stroking a finger underneath Castiel’s chin, before letting go of his face.

Before Castiel can answer however, Dean is suddenly flanked by Gordon and Alastair who glare down at Cas.

“Winchester! Why don’t you come sit with us?”, Gordon asks Dean.

Alastair nods. “Yeah, Winchester, come sit with us and the rest of the team, no need to be hanging around with this freak.”

Dean, however, ignores the two football players, instead watching as Castiel shrinks away from them, crossing his arms across his chest in what looks like an attempt to protect his ribs.

He suddenly stands up, making Castiel jump again and forcing Alastair and Gordon to take a step back.

“I quit.”, he says.

A tiny gasp escapes Castiel and Gordon and Alastair look stunned.

“What do you mean, you quit?”, Alastair snarls, regaining his composure.

Dean takes a menacing step towards them and they back up. “I mean, I quit the football team! You really think I wouldn’t figure out that _you_ did that to him?”, he growls, gesturing from Castiel’s face to Gordon's bruised knuckles.

Gordon tries to protest, but Dean raises his fist as if to throw a punch and the two retreat, knowing better than to get into a fight with their former team mate of whom they had heard many stories that attempted to explain his mid-term transfer.

By this point, many of the other students in the cafeteria have stopped to watch the exchange and Castiel can feel the weight of their gazes piling onto him, making it difficult to breathe. He has had enough panic attacks to know that he is on the verge of one. Dean seems to know this too, as he suddenly grabs Castiel’s hand and pulls him through the back doors of the cafeteria and out into the parking lot.

 

He forces Castiel to sit on the curb and crouches down in front of him.

“Cas, I need you to breathe for me.”, Dean says in soothing voice as Castiel struggles to suck air into his lungs.

Castiel feels Dean’s hands clutching his shoulders on either side, and he uses the sensation to ground himself.

“C’mon Cas.”, Dean tells him. “I’m here, I see you, tell me you see me.”

When he starts to breathe evenly again, Cas manages to gasp out: “I see you, Dean.”

Dean smiles and drops his hands from his shoulders and Castiel immediately misses their warmth.

The bell rings and Dean gets to his feet. “We don’t need to go in now, come on, let’s go sit in my car until you're feeling better.”, he says, grabbing Castiel’s hands and pulling him to his feet too.

They make their way over to Dean’s big black car, the Impala, and Castiel slides into the passenger seat.

They sit in silence for a few moments, before Castiel speaks.

“I’m really sorry you had to see that.”, he says quietly. Dean shakes his head, although Castiel isn’t sure at what.

“Don’t apologise Cas, I’m used to this kind of thing. My little brother, Sammy, he was in an accident a while back and since then he gets them quite a lot.”, Dean tells him and Castiel doesn’t know what to say, so he stays silent, until Dean turns to look at Castiel properly, gently cupping his face in one hand.

“I’m sorry too, Cas.”, he says. “I should have been there with you when, Alastair and Gordon…”, Dean trails off as he carefully traces the bruises on Castiel’s face.

“It wasn’t your fault.”, Castiel says as he slowly reaches up to wrap his fingers around Dean’s hand, worried that the other boy will pull away. Dean does the opposite, entwining their fingers and smiling at Castiel.

“I’m still sorry, they did that to you.”, Dean says softly and Castiel offers him a small smile.

Suddenly Dean is leaning closer and closer and there’s not even half an inch between them, but Castiel closes the distance, pressing his lips to Deans.

Dean reciprocates eagerly, kissing Castiel until he has to pull away to breathe. They stare at each other breathlessly for a moment, until Dean breaks out into a huge grin.

“That was…”, Castiel begins.

“Awesome!”, Dean exclaims and his grin is infectious. “Cas, I hope this isn’t too forward, seeing as how we haven’t been on a date or anything, but would you want to be my boyfriend?”

Castiel plants a kiss on Dean’s lips in answer, and smiles at him, before remembering who he is. He is invisible, sad, depressed Castiel Novak. He can’t be with someone like Dean, he’d _ruin_ him.

“Cas? What’s wrong?”, Dean asks, alarmed at the sudden change of expression on Castiel’s face. He reaches for Cas, but he pulls away from him.

“I’m sorry, Dean. I can’t. I would love nothing more than to be with you, but I just can’t do that to you.”, he says quietly and Dean frowns.

“Do what to me, Cas? All I want is to be with you, nothing else!”, he insists.

Castiel shakes his head. “You don’t understand Dean, I’m not normal, I’m… I’m depressed, I’m on so much different medication I need a calendar to keep track of it, half the time I can’t sleep, I get panic attacks more often than not, I sometimes get so numb I make myself bleed just to make sure I’m still alive and up until a couple months ago, the only people I talked to were my family and my therapist!”

Castiel finishes his little outburst, expecting Dean to ask him to get out of the car. Instead, Dean leans forward and pulls Castiel into a gentle kiss. When they break apart, he keeps his hands on either side of Castiel’s face.

“I don’t care.”, he says and Castiel is stunned.

“What do you mean?”, he whispers and Dean gives him another kiss, before answering.

“I mean, I don’t care. Everyone has problems, Cas. Sure, yours may be bigger than others,  but I’m willing to help you with them.”, he says earnestly.

Castiel gapes at him. “You want to be with me? For real?” He can’t seem to wrap his head around what has just happened. Maybe Alastair kicked him a lot harder than he thought?

Dean gives him several more kisses in quick succession. “Yeah, I want to be with you. Have done for a while, why do you think I followed you to that draughty staircase? I saw you in class and just knew you were special and that at the very least I had to be your friend.”

This time it’s Castiel who initiates the kiss. He launches himself forward, disregarding his throbbing ribs and doing his best to kiss Dean senseless.

“You saw me?”, he pants, when he finally releases Dean.

Dean smiles at him and softly brushes some hair out of Cas’ face. “Yeah, Cas, I saw you. I see you. It's impossible not to.”

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you didn't think this was too terrible and sorry for not making this fluff through and through, just can't write that at the moment.  
> Anyway, drop me a Kudos or a Comment if you thought it was alright or say hi on tumblr (@givebackmylifecas)


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